How to get Comfortable with Setting Boundaries

I’m sure you hear it just as much as I do. How boundaries are important to have. How everyone can benefit from setting boundaries. How valuable having boundaries in place can be for your emotional, mental and physical well being. Yes, we’ve heard it, but what isn’t discussed is what we can do to become comfortable with setting boundaries in the first place. How do we know when a boundary needs to be put in place? How do we know what type of boundary news to put in place? How can we learn to carry out our boundaries with confidence?

As a people pleaser, boundaries were very hard for me to put in practice. I’d easily put another person’s wants and needs before my own. On a personal level, I lacked focus on goals I wanted to achieve for myself. I often found myself doing things I didn’t want to do or being easily distracted and deterred from the bigger vision. In time, I was able to improve on setting boundaries but it took me doing these 7 things first to become comfortable with setting boundaries.

1. Learn to Value Yourself.

If you don’t think you’re valuable enough, important enough or deserving enough to receive what’s on the other side of that boundary, then it’s going to be hard to maintain it. You need to believe that you and yours are worth all the effort to uphold your boundaries.

This probably won’t come quick, but baby steps are still forward progress. Through time, I’ve been able to learn just how valuable I am, to others and myself, and setting boundaries helps to keep this energy pure. I got here through daily practices of affirmations, gratefulness check ins, and reminding myself of my own greatness when negative chatter starts to tip toe into my mind.

If you don’t believe you’re worth it, self sabotage will only continue to show you why that’s true.

2. Be By Yourself.

Unplug and sit with yourself. Our minds can easily be cluttered with other people’s ambitions and goals. Things we may not even want for ourselves but we’re influenced into thinking we need in order to be happy or to be successful. Unplugging and sitting alone helps you clear out your thoughts so you can gain clarity on what you want.

Now, you don’t have to sit in pure silence alone. You can read a book, journal, dance… whatever what have you, just get comfortable with being by yourself. Get comfortable with you.

3. Practice Personal Awareness.

This one will be key in setting up your boundaries because you need to know when is a good time to put a boundary in place. If you can’t listen to yourself and trust your reasoning, you’re likely to uphold your same sabotaging habits.

Personal awareness starts with you having conversations with yourself. It starts with you paying attention to where you are in the moment, physically, mentally and emotionally. Being aware of yourself also helps you figure out your needs in that moment, like what boundary needs to be set up so something won’t happen again or what boundary will keep this positive feeling going.

4. Say No.

Your value does not directly correlate to what you can do for others. It just doesn’t. Learn that you have the freedom to lend a helping hand and if you decide not to, that that’s completely okay too. The world will not stop because you made a decision that’s in your better interest. Find the strength to tell others no so you can do what’s best for you.

But also, tell yourself no. Ouch, right? In this sketch and chat with me video, I share how I really wanted to make a puffer coat but in order to do that, I would have to go above my monthly budget. I had to make the decision to be fine with going back into debt a lil’ bit or to put the idea down and walk away...postpone... this project until my finances lined up accordingly. I was and am bummed about it because I really wanted to bring this puffer to life but I know following this financial boundary is better for me in the long run.

5. Give Yourself Permission.

We often find ourselves stuck. Afraid to move because we don’t want to make the wrong decision or get messy. We’re waiting for the answers to fall from the sky or for the correct path to be laid out in front of us before we put the work in. I mean, imagine waiting for someone else to tell you, “Yes, you may now do this thing that will help you better yourself.” Imagine the converse, “No, you can’t do this thing that will make life a more enjoyable experience for you.” Crazy right? Don’t depend on others to create the life you want. Depend on yourself.

6. Start Small.

This is not a sprint. It’s a marathon. Don’t think you have to set all the boundaries in a day and stick to them immediately. I feel safe in putting an absolute here and saying that’s an impossible standard to uphold. Also, the more you feel like you’ve “failed” the less likely you are to continue practicing setting boundaries and bettering yourself.

When it’s time to set a boundary, do something small. Something that you may already know you can succeed at. Doing this will boost your confidence and sense of achievement while building on your discipline muscle. A small boundary can be something like not picking up your cell phone before a certain time, don’t jokingly call yourself dumb or don’t sit down on the couch before washing dishes for the day. The first gives you time with yourself, the second helps you to stop speaking negatively of yourself and the third lessens anxiety by crossing a task off your to do list.

7. Write a Pro’s and Con’s list.

For the analytics and visual seekers, write it out. Write how setting a boundary will be good for you and what might happen if you continue on your current habits. I can only assume that the pro’s would outweigh the con’s every single time but you truly never know.

We know that having boundaries in place is crucial for growth but the path to get there has been unclear. I hope these 7 tips on how to get comfortable with setting boundaries helps you out so you can continue to design your best.

Let’s talk. Do you have any boundaries that you follow? How did you go about starting them?